Jolee Just Wanted to die

By Deborah Brooks

She was sitting looking out the window

holding the pills in her hands, remembering when she was a little girl her mom telling her how pretty she was and dressing up in little dresses. Pink and green her favorite colors.

Jolee had always felt insecure in her life. She blamed her mom. Her mom never seemed to be happy herself. She went from man to man.

She had written a letter to her mom, telling her how disappointed she was in her. How she had ruined her life.

As she was still looking out the window still feeling all the pills in her hands; it had taken her several weeks to collect all of these pills.

For years she had been looking for somewhere to land in her life. She never had the stability to call a place home. Ambivalent, she was afraid to live and afraid to die.

Earlier in the day she had taken her little five year old daughter and her seven year old son to her sisters.

She had news last week her dearest friend’s body was found in a gravel pit. She had been missing for six weeks. And now the news that she is dead was ju

st a little bit too much for her. When the state troopers came to question her, she could not control herself. She started screaming, an ambulance had to be called.

Now that she was home, she knew what she had to do. She had lost all hope. Remembering times back to 1975 she was five years old. Her dad was an alcoholic; he beat her mom all the time. He liked his liquor more than he did her mom. She couldn’t understand why her mom wouldn’t fight him. As Jolee would hide behind the couch when the fighting would start and they started throwing things against the walls, Jolee would sit back there and cry with her hands over her ears, trying to be invisible as much as possible.

Her mind took her to other places. Faraway places with flowers and clouds that looked like animals, with people flying around, such a nice safe place.

She looked at the clock on the wall. It was four pm. It seemed like it should be later, she felt like she had been sitting at the window all day and night. Jolee looked down at her hands again. Looking at the pills she knew what she had to do.

She remembers Mickey telling her she had to shoot the gun. She had no other choice.

But it was her friend, her best friend.

“Look Jolee we will say it was an accident. Don’t worry. No one will ever know.” Mickey was trying to be convincing.

“Leave me alone. I don’t want anything else to do with you. In fact I hate your guts.”

She tried to leave and he grabbed her by the throat. “I will kill you if you say anything. You got it?”

She ran away from him and never looked back.

Then the time was 1990. Her Mom was with another man. She was fifteen and she was trying to sleep. When she was waken with a hand over her mouth and a voice in her ear telling her she was going to die if she made a sound. When it was over she wanted to die, she was sure that would be the best thing for her.

Jolee knew her sisters would take care of her children she wasn’t worried, she knew what she had to do.

She looked at the clock it was midnight. It was time. Time to die

She had killed her best friend!

Jolee, is it time?

You are so alone

So dead to the world

As shades of evening roll away

As knuckles of blue of scraped of you

As the sunset ran away

You sat barefoot in the dew

Lost to time

Lost to you

In a simple courtyard of cool

As you fall asleep

Ironically in black, I see

Nothing escapes free of you

As you try to grab a hand

Hoping to hear the sound

Of your mom’s voice,

The sharp tongue numbs the wind

So predominantly blown away;

Jolee, good bye to nothingness

Of hopes and dreams

Of long ago,

Tonight you are going to die.

©Copyright 2012 by POET DEBORAH BROOKS-LANGFORD

Comments from Others:

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 7 weeks ago

thank you Eddy. You are such a positive person in my life. and boy oh boy do I did that right now.Thank you again

Debbie

Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen Level 8 Commenter 7 weeks ago

Very powerful I could almost feel it Debbie;I have been exploring your other sites and you are indeed a very talented lady.

Plaese continue to let us enjoy your true gift on here.

Take care my friend and enjoy your day,

Eddy

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 8 weeks ago

thank you nick071438 for visiting and commenting..

Blessing to you

Debbie

nick071438 profile image

nick071438 Level 3 Commenter 8 weeks ago

The story tells of the dark side of life. But I appreciate the way it way written.

PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

you’re welcome debbie, and you too!

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks Author 2 months ago

thank you Karaoke guy.. Have a great evening.. Debbie

PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

really touching peace, Debbie. Great work.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

wow Michelle what a great compliment that is so awesome. You make me so happy that I write. Have a blessed day.

debbie

Michele Travis profile image

Michele Travis Level 6 Commenter 2 months ago

Once again, I have to say you are amazing. Your poetry brings feelings, they are not just words to read. In school when we had to learn about the famous poets it was hard to stay awake sometimes. But not now. Thank you for your poetry, it brings the heart and the soul together. That is an amazing gift.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks Author 2 months ago

Thank you Stars for commenting.. Have a great day

Debbie

stars439 profile image

stars439 Level 7 Commenter 2 months ago

Dear Mr.s Deborah Brooks : A wonderful intense gripping tale of a troubled young woman , and the way her life ended. Awesome, intense, brilliant writing. God Bless You Precious Heart.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

Susan I am sorry if I brought back memories that are painful. Unfortunately it goes on all the time. so sad. thank you sweet friend for visiting and commenting..

Have a blessed day.

Debbie

susan joyner-stumpf 2 months ago

Deb as always you bring us to our knees with emotion. Familiar, unfortunately, with suicide from my own attempts as a young girl and then knowing someone who actually went thru with it, your sad story/poem hit a chord I thought I’d never hear again.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

Thank you Audrey.. I appreciate your words. You make me want to keep writing.. You are so awesome yourself.

Have a blessed day.

debbie

AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt Level 7 Commenter 2 months ago

Boy you have a talent for this stuff Debbie! This is a great read –and such a sad place to be–

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

pedrn44 and Susan and movie and Gina, Jackie and Ardie.. thank you so much for visiting and commenting that means so much to me.

debbie

pedrn44 profile image

pedrn44 Level 6 Commenter 2 months ago

Just amazing writing. I read it twice, second time while listening to the music.

Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

Great story Deborah. I really like how you ended the story with a poem. Up, interesting and awesome.

Movie Master profile image

Movie Master Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

Amazing writing Debbie, so deep and intense.

Voted up.

Gina 2 months ago

Good job on this story,it really pulls you into her frame of mind.

Ardie profile image

Ardie Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

Stunning visuals and storytelling. The poem was so intense. I always loved the song in the video and that girl singing, one of my favorites!

Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley Level 7 Commenter 2 months ago

Great poem! Surprised Dolly is in the video but not singing and I have to tell you this girl has her beat on that song! Beautiful.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

WD I pray you can shake the dark intensity.. so glad you visited and commented. Be blessed today.

debbie

WD Curry 111 profile image

WD Curry 111 Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

I played the song by Mindy Smith and read it again for full effect.

It is a beautiful day here in Florida, maybe I can shake this dark intensity in an hour or two.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

Thank you Mr. Frank. I had fun writing it. I always appreciate your words, they make me glad that I write.

Debbie

Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

wow Ms Brooks Love the escape into the world of suicide for Jolee.. she experienced the loss of her friend and the way she was found in a grave pit.. a strong raw emotional piece up and awesome!!!!

Submit Your Comment Below:

One thought on “Jolee Just Wanted to die

  1. drtruthman says:

    Excellent poem about a very difficult aspect of life. Good job Debbie.
    God bless, Lee

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