Jolee Just Wanted to die

By Deborah Brooks

She was sitting looking out the window

holding the pills in her hands, remembering when she was a little girl her mom telling her how pretty she was and dressing up in little dresses. Pink and green her favorite colors.

Jolee had always felt insecure in her life. She blamed her mom. Her mom never seemed to be happy herself. She went from man to man.

She had written a letter to her mom, telling her how disappointed she was in her. How she had ruined her life.

As she was still looking out the window still feeling all the pills in her hands; it had taken her several weeks to collect all of these pills.

For years she had been looking for somewhere to land in her life. She never had the stability to call a place home. Ambivalent, she was afraid to live and afraid to die.

Earlier in the day she had taken her little five year old daughter and her seven year old son to her sisters.

She had news last week her dearest friend’s body was found in a gravel pit. She had been missing for six weeks. And now the news that she is dead was ju

st a little bit too much for her. When the state troopers came to question her, she could not control herself. She started screaming, an ambulance had to be called.

Now that she was home, she knew what she had to do. She had lost all hope. Remembering times back to 1975 she was five years old. Her dad was an alcoholic; he beat her mom all the time. He liked his liquor more than he did her mom. She couldn’t understand why her mom wouldn’t fight him. As Jolee would hide behind the couch when the fighting would start and they started throwing things against the walls, Jolee would sit back there and cry with her hands over her ears, trying to be invisible as much as possible.

Her mind took her to other places. Faraway places with flowers and clouds that looked like animals, with people flying around, such a nice safe place.

She looked at the clock on the wall. It was four pm. It seemed like it should be later, she felt like she had been sitting at the window all day and night. Jolee looked down at her hands again. Looking at the pills she knew what she had to do.

She remembers Mickey telling her she had to shoot the gun. She had no other choice.

But it was her friend, her best friend.

“Look Jolee we will say it was an accident. Don’t worry. No one will ever know.” Mickey was trying to be convincing.

“Leave me alone. I don’t want anything else to do with you. In fact I hate your guts.”

She tried to leave and he grabbed her by the throat. “I will kill you if you say anything. You got it?”

She ran away from him and never looked back.

Then the time was 1990. Her Mom was with another man. She was fifteen and she was trying to sleep. When she was waken with a hand over her mouth and a voice in her ear telling her she was going to die if she made a sound. When it was over she wanted to die, she was sure that would be the best thing for her.

Jolee knew her sisters would take care of her children she wasn’t worried, she knew what she had to do.

She looked at the clock it was midnight. It was time. Time to die

She had killed her best friend!

Jolee, is it time?

You are so alone

So dead to the world

As shades of evening roll away

As knuckles of blue of scraped of you

As the sunset ran away

You sat barefoot in the dew

Lost to time

Lost to you

In a simple courtyard of cool

As you fall asleep

Ironically in black, I see

Nothing escapes free of you

As you try to grab a hand

Hoping to hear the sound

Of your mom’s voice,

The sharp tongue numbs the wind

So predominantly blown away;

Jolee, good bye to nothingness

Of hopes and dreams

Of long ago,

Tonight you are going to die.

©Copyright 2012 by POET DEBORAH BROOKS-LANGFORD

Comments from Others:

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 7 weeks ago

thank you Eddy. You are such a positive person in my life. and boy oh boy do I did that right now.Thank you again

Debbie

Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen Level 8 Commenter 7 weeks ago

Very powerful I could almost feel it Debbie;I have been exploring your other sites and you are indeed a very talented lady.

Plaese continue to let us enjoy your true gift on here.

Take care my friend and enjoy your day,

Eddy

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 8 weeks ago

thank you nick071438 for visiting and commenting..

Blessing to you

Debbie

nick071438 profile image

nick071438 Level 3 Commenter 8 weeks ago

The story tells of the dark side of life. But I appreciate the way it way written.

PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

you’re welcome debbie, and you too!

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks Author 2 months ago

thank you Karaoke guy.. Have a great evening.. Debbie

PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

really touching peace, Debbie. Great work.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

wow Michelle what a great compliment that is so awesome. You make me so happy that I write. Have a blessed day.

debbie

Michele Travis profile image

Michele Travis Level 6 Commenter 2 months ago

Once again, I have to say you are amazing. Your poetry brings feelings, they are not just words to read. In school when we had to learn about the famous poets it was hard to stay awake sometimes. But not now. Thank you for your poetry, it brings the heart and the soul together. That is an amazing gift.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks Author 2 months ago

Thank you Stars for commenting.. Have a great day

Debbie

stars439 profile image

stars439 Level 7 Commenter 2 months ago

Dear Mr.s Deborah Brooks : A wonderful intense gripping tale of a troubled young woman , and the way her life ended. Awesome, intense, brilliant writing. God Bless You Precious Heart.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

Susan I am sorry if I brought back memories that are painful. Unfortunately it goes on all the time. so sad. thank you sweet friend for visiting and commenting..

Have a blessed day.

Debbie

susan joyner-stumpf 2 months ago

Deb as always you bring us to our knees with emotion. Familiar, unfortunately, with suicide from my own attempts as a young girl and then knowing someone who actually went thru with it, your sad story/poem hit a chord I thought I’d never hear again.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

Thank you Audrey.. I appreciate your words. You make me want to keep writing.. You are so awesome yourself.

Have a blessed day.

debbie

AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt Level 7 Commenter 2 months ago

Boy you have a talent for this stuff Debbie! This is a great read –and such a sad place to be–

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

pedrn44 and Susan and movie and Gina, Jackie and Ardie.. thank you so much for visiting and commenting that means so much to me.

debbie

pedrn44 profile image

pedrn44 Level 6 Commenter 2 months ago

Just amazing writing. I read it twice, second time while listening to the music.

Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

Great story Deborah. I really like how you ended the story with a poem. Up, interesting and awesome.

Movie Master profile image

Movie Master Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

Amazing writing Debbie, so deep and intense.

Voted up.

Gina 2 months ago

Good job on this story,it really pulls you into her frame of mind.

Ardie profile image

Ardie Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

Stunning visuals and storytelling. The poem was so intense. I always loved the song in the video and that girl singing, one of my favorites!

Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley Level 7 Commenter 2 months ago

Great poem! Surprised Dolly is in the video but not singing and I have to tell you this girl has her beat on that song! Beautiful.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

WD I pray you can shake the dark intensity.. so glad you visited and commented. Be blessed today.

debbie

WD Curry 111 profile image

WD Curry 111 Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

I played the song by Mindy Smith and read it again for full effect.

It is a beautiful day here in Florida, maybe I can shake this dark intensity in an hour or two.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks  Author 2 months ago

Thank you Mr. Frank. I had fun writing it. I always appreciate your words, they make me glad that I write.

Debbie

Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio Level 8 Commenter 2 months ago

wow Ms Brooks Love the escape into the world of suicide for Jolee.. she experienced the loss of her friend and the way she was found in a grave pit.. a strong raw emotional piece up and awesome!!!!

Submit Your Comment Below:
Advertisements

My Heart I Give

A New Book 

 

 Authored by Deborah Brooks Langford

 

 

 This is a collection of poems written by Deborah Brooks-Langford, mirroring her life, loves and love of God. She always liked to write, but, never thought she could do anything with it. However, after wanting to understand the things that had happened to her, when she was young, she started putting pen to paper and couldn’t stop. This book “My Heart I Give” is Deborah’s first book of Poetry. She is working on her new Novel “Brooke” with a sequel to follow.

“I am a Christian. I owe everything to My Lord Jesus. He saved my life. I belong to the Republican Women and work hard to put Christians in office.

 

 ©Copyright 2012 by POET DEBORAH BROOKS-LANGFORD

YOU SET MY HEART TO MUSIC

Sonnetwolf Designz-Susan Joyner-Stumpf

My Love, My love I say               My heart I do declare

Is set to hear your beautiful words of music
As I rake my fingers through your hair.

To kiss your notes upon my ears
That digs into my soul
Your heart to me is like music so fine.

I lay my head upon your heart
As you set my heart to the rhyme;

My future man is standing now
To hold me oh so dearly

An arrow of Geese is catching the moon
And flying into my heart,

As I empty of truth from your eyes;
But I am a woman of knowledge of you

And your sweet music for my life
Turns my breath to breathe seemly so is,

And Everywhere I turn there are your songs,
And the love of my heart;

As I count my many blessings and
To feel the love of your kiss

All weary from crying, this is too much I say
As Your words of song tears my heart
As you set my heart to music;

The time has come to take my hand and put them on your lips,
To pull me oh so to your heart
Just to hear the words of the music to my ears;

As I looked back to the night
To the love for long,

This is a gift from you to me
The music of the heart
As you set my heart to music;

So kiss my lips and then my hands
And press upon my heart

The need I have for you my love
As you set my heart to music;

BY POET: DEBORAH BROOKS LANGFORD

© 2011 Deborah Brooks-Langford

CARLOS AND ANA..

A beautiful winter moon shown over their lives
As Carlos and Ana standing in the middle of their dream;

Like two hearts together
Loving and sharing

Carlos didn’t think he ever knew
A woman quite like Ana;

With a smile like diamonds
And hair WITH glimmering black colors

With unique slanted eyes of a cat, so bold and bright
That can seduce him.

To the pretty tree in the window sill;
He glanced to his left where she stood so full of light
His Ana so beautiful on this starry night;

Her kiss like angels dipping down on his face and
Kisses liked the stars of the night. Face that is as lovely as all time;
As lights winked and danced around.

He smelled her so lovely like lavender and lace, the touch from her embrace
Made him melt into her beyond; Frost crunched under Carlos boots
As he pulled sweet Ana to him; her presence he couldn’t deny.

With the faint sense of relief, That Ana was his forever.
He saw a flash of her loveliness through the window
The need he had for her so real,
As he reached for her daring hand
To his lips they will go,

As her kisses were hot with fire
The blaze going to his heart

The couple fell madly in love
And was married on November 12, 2011;

As two hearts together
Giving and caring

And in laughter and tears:
That is CARLOS AND ANA

BY: DEBORAH BROOKS-LANGFORD

© 2011 Deborah Brooks-Langford

THE MASTERS CUP

Isaiah 61:10 (NIV). I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels……. Thoughts on This Verse… This is God’s promise to his people after their Messiah comes with healing and power to bless them with the Lord’s favor. In many ways, this is our promise as Christians. We do rejoice greatly because God has delivered us from law, sin, and death through the coming of our Savior and Lord. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, as God’s children we are clothed with Christ (Gal. 3:26-27) and given garments of salvation and robes of his righteousness.

THE MASTERS CUP

Graphic by Lee W. Outlaw, PhD

THE MASTERS CUP

ABOVE ALL
My Jesus is the Cup of knowledge,

Above all
He is the wealth and treasures of the earth

Above all
Our Lord is the Cup of wisdom,

Above all
There is no way to measure what He is worth.

Above all,
HE is all wisdom

Above all
Our Lord is the Lamb of God.

Above all
Jesus is the Cup of love,

Above all
He has created all things

Above all
My sweet Lord is Cup of passion,

Above all
Jesus is all ways of man

Above all
He is the Cup of forgiveness,

Above all
My sweet Lord is all nature

Above all
Jesus is the Cup of mercy,

Above all
He was Crucified, and laid behind the stone

Above all
My sweet Lord is the Cup of grace,

Above all
Jesus lived to die, rejected and along

Above all
He is the Cup of kindness

Above all
Our Lord took the fall and thought of me above all

Above all
My sweet Lord is
ABOVE ALL THINGS
Jesus were here before the world began

Above all
HE IS MY LORD

Above all
My sweet Lord is Above all wonders the world has ever known.

Above all
HE IS THE MASTERS CUP

Above all
Our Jesus is unique.

Above all
JESUS IS THE MASTERS CUP

Above all
He is LIKE A ROSE that never dies

Above all
He had been TRAMPLED ON THE GROUND

Above all
JESUS LIVES TODAY

AND ABOVE ALL MY LORD MY SAVIOUR
What else can I say?
HE IS THE MASTERS CUP.

BY: POET DEBORAH BROOKS-LANGFORD

© 2011 Deborah Brooks-Langford

Jason and Laura

They used to have a special dream

Sonnetwolf Designz-Susan Joyner-Stumpf

Cradled deep within their hearts

That someday they would meet
That someone wonderful;

You see it was hidden in their minds
And then right around the corner
They met their love.

He looked and thought ‘what a beauty’
She looked and cried ‘how wonderfully made he is’

Their love made them understand
That their life would be complete
With each other that day;

They had someone that would spend bright days
And lonely times together

With their laughter that brought joy every day;
Their love so special;

The dream they used to dream is now a reality;

A dream that has come true with each other;

Diffused sunlight trickled through her hair,

From the moment they met and the moment they kissed
It was love that first night.

Oh true love is
JASON AND LAURA

BY: POET DEBORAH BROOKS – LANGFORD

© 2011 Deborah Brooks-Langford

Daddy Why Do You Hurt Me So?

My mommy cries daddy

Can’t you see what you do to her and me?

You’re drinking and yelling and cursing so

Makes me run and hide my eyes

My ears are sore and so is my heart

From what you do night after night;

You spend all your money that we need for food

On beer and fun that you say you need

I want to run so far away

But where would I go I ask myself.

I pray to JESUS to help us so

I reach for HIS hand to not let me go

I wish my daddy would reach for us

And hold me and tell me he loves me now

Instead he wants his beer and fun and swearing.

If he could only take me to church I ask

And teach me about the one called JESUS.

But instead he would rather have his beer and friends.

I am tired of him yelling and falling down drunk,

I want a daddy that wants me to.

So daddy I cry and cry today

But you never hear my sad word that I SAY

You just don’t know how you hurt me so.

Other daddy’s take their kids to the park

And other daddy’s teach them how to play

Other daddy’s keep their kids safe from harm

But my daddy doesn’t care if I live or die.

Don’t you know I am going to grow up and hate you so?

Like you hate me?

When you don’t come to plays at school

When you just don’t care

I want to ask you,

Dear daddy why do you hurt me so?

BY: POET DEBORAH BROOKS LANGFORD

©Copyright 2011  by  POET DEBORAH BROOKS-LANGFORD